Resist- Persist

Bare with me. Do Not read if you cannot accept sudden mood swings.

It is the first rain of the year and I sit over the window sill while I write this. The night sky is illuminated- sparks bursting and threads of lightening slithering over the night sky. It has almost stopped raining and the much awaited breeze drifts around me. It's refreshing. Its a relief after tolerating the scorching heat that surrounds you throughout the day. The lightening seems to have pierced my heart in a way that makes me let out all the pain. I feel lighter. I feel nostalgic. As I type, it has stopped to pour. And I can hear the sky gurgling.
I take deep breaths. The petrichor is working it's magic somehow and I am here, falling prey to it willingly.
Bittersweet moments flash by as I close my eyes and let the wind take control over me.

I have no control over my thoughts, my speech and my actions. I am letting it all flow in the way they want to. This might be my choice now, but 3 hours later, it'll be something that I am going to regret doing.
I could be a control freak at times. But now I  have lost all control.
I am not loosing my mind here, par say, but somehow, I'm not even trying to not loose it; if you get what I mean.
This is going to be a useless and vague blog update, but I just have to write right now. Or I'll suppress it forever.

Have you ever felt this way?
You keep resisting something. But it still pulls it towards you. You know you want it to be a part of your life, but it cannot possibly happen. And you try to resist. Resist it so much that it gets you on your knees to have it right now. You become needy, desperate. And you fall for it over and over again. And it will satisfy you, by being there; showing up when you need it. It was only you keeping yourself away from it. It never tried to resist you.
But things change. What if, the things you try to resist, instead resist you?
Won't you get what you wanted all along?

Example: You know cigarette is bad for you. And you want to quit smoking. And you try. But somehow, you fail to resist it and smoke a pack for the day. You feel good after that, but guilty to some extent. And you try to resist it again. But this time,  your addiction is still present, maybe even stronger. And it just keeps getting difficult to quit.

But what if, all of the cigarette in the world just disappeared? Not a single cigarette to be found any where. (You smoke only cigarette. Specifically and compulsorily nothing else). How would that work for you? You always wanted to quit it. Now that there is not a single leftover of what you want, you can't ever get it even after you ask for it, pleeding. The cigarette says 'No' to you.

You will cry about it, for sure, at the start. Feel that it is the most difficult thing you have ever had to do. Eventually, you start accepting the fact, that there is nothing you can do to help it. There is no stock. What you want has resisted you. And it has become easier for you to do something which you always wanted to do. Quit for the good.
You knew smoking was bad all along. You still smoked, known to the consequences, but also tried on your part to resist it.
You now know, that the cigarette was never the problem. Infact, you yourself were the issue. But you couldn't help it either.

What could I have done? It just kept me pulling towards it (not intentionally. It was never intentional). But now that it has disappeared, I can cry about it at the start, and eventually move out of the addiction. It'll be wrong to call it addiction though. It is much more subtle. Its pure.
It is hard to accept, but if you still find even one cigarette, you'd smoke it. But No. Cigarette is Not coming back. They are not appearing again. You wish they don't, because you know it has harmed you in a big way. It killed you slowly, day by day. But now, it has gone. They are not there for you anymore. Your 'once a great companion' has left you. For your own good. So long you won't be seeing it. But you still know, it was one good thing you've ever had to share most of your time with. To be there with. There was more than an infatuation to it. You liked it.

*Sigh* Have you heared the song "Rain over me"? Its on my mind right now. I've spent around 30 minutes writing this, trying to put down stuff out of my head, and trying to make sense. In case it doesn't, never mind. It just an update, which I think the sudden change around me made me write. I don't understand what I am doing here; I have a test in 14 hours. But chuck it anyway.
The rain has all gone and its the heat again.
Thanks for your time.

P.S. I have never smoked. And I never shall. I am no addict. Do Not judge me. It was just an example. However, I couldn't care less. Its just the need to quit my phone for a while because I don't study.